(This story is Frank recounting his adventures as a guest judge in the Chili Cook-Off)

“Last year, I was honored to be selected as a judge at the St. George Island Chili Cook-Off.  Actually, the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the beer truck, when the call came in.  They asked me if I knew anyone in the Cook-Off and I said no, I was from Akiak, AK, so they asked me if I’d fill in as the third impartial judge.  I was assured by the other two judges (obvious veterans of many Cook-Off’s) that the chili would be tasty and I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the even:

CHILI #1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI….

Judge #1 – “A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.”

Judge #2 – “Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very mild.”

Judge #3 – (Frank) – “Holy crap, what in Hades is this stuff?  You could remove the baked on painted lines from the highway with this stuff.  It took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that’s the worst one.  These other judges must have tongues like leather.”

CHILI #2 – AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI….

Judge #1 – “Smokey, with a hint a pork.  Slight jalapeno tang.”

Judge #2 – “Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.”

Judge #3 – “Keep this out of the reach of children.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.  They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.”

CHILI #3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI….

Judge #1 – “Excellent firehouse chili.  Great kick.”

Judge #2 – “A bit salty, good use of peppers.”

Judge #3 – “Call the EPA.  I’ve located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Sally, the beer girl pounded me on the back, now my spinal column is in the front part of my chest.  I’m getting trashed from all the beer.”

CHILI #4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC….

Judge #1 – “Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

Judge #2 – “Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.”

Judge #3 – “I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer girl, was standing behind me with fresh refills.  At first I thought she looked a little manly, but now she’s starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!  Could this stuff be an aphrodisiac?”

CHILI #5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER….

Judge #1 – Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.”

Judge #2 – “Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.”

Judge #3 – “My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four people behind me hit the ground gasping for air.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally stopped my tongue from bleeding by adding crushed ice to the beer.  I need a mirror to see if I still have lips.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stoop whimpering.”

CHILI #6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY….

Judge #1 – “Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.”

Judge #2 – “The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.”

Judge #3 – “My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  As the pressure increased, I tried to relieve it inconspicuously, but my farts now have the consistency of napalm and I’m worried they will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand near me now, except Sally.  I’d pay a thousand dollars for a snow cone suppository.”

CHILI #7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI….

Judge #1 – “A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.”

Judge #2 – “Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.  I should make note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is curing uncontrollably.”

Judge #3 – “You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing.  I’ve lost sight in one eye, and all I can hear are sounds like rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which has been falling out the hole in my face that used to be a mouth.  My pants are full of stuff that I can only compare to lava.  At least during his autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.  I’ve decided to stop breathing now, it’s too painful.  Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the tracheotomy that has spontaneously opened at the bottom of my throat.”

CHILI #8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI….

Judge #1 – “The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its’ existence.”

Judge #2 – “This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out and fell over, pulling the entire judges table down on top of himself.  Not sure if he’s going to make it to the midnight buffet at Finni’s.  Poor little guy, I’m glad we didn’t have a ‘Hot’ category………”

Judge #3 - …………………………….No Report